You Can't Escape

Ralph stares into space. His subconscious is screaming at him,  “How did you get into this situation?  How are you going to fix things?  Why does my life suck so badly?”   The voice is deafening.  His stomach continues to flex and loosen like he is going to vomit all over himself.  He can feel the anxiety deep inside giving him the sensation he has to urinate.  Flash card images pop in and out of his conscious; they show all the decisions he’s made.  One right after the other as if they had all occurred in the same rapid succession, but they didn’t…they occurred over the span of his life.

The line from a Led Zeppelin song begins to bounce around in his head…”it’s never to late to change the road you’re on…it’s never to late to change the road you’re on…it’s never to late to change the road you’re on….”  Ralph knew better…he had contemplated getting off his metaphoric road …but he was never able to make the change.  Could Zeppelin be wrong? Was it just some 60’s hype?  Why couldn’t he get on to a new road?

His head continued to scream at him…”What have you done now?  What have you done now?”  As if his subconscious knew this latest decision might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.  The decision from which there will never be a time to change.

Ralph slows down the parade of flash card images of his life…searching for that one image that has destroyed his life.  There had to be one moment…one moment to blame.  He couldn’t believe that he made a multitude of bad decisions.  That’s not possible…he was too smart for that…he was too analytical to make multiple bad decisions.  But some how he has woven a web he can’t escape.

One at a time each image clicked by.  The day his bike was stolen by a bunch of kids in his class.  He never stood up to them.  He allowed them to destroy his bike and he was left pushing a bent, muddy, flatten tired bike home, only to be scolded by his mother for not taking care of his things…as if he would ever be so careless of his beloved bike.  Should he of stood up to them…what if he had.  Nay, it can’t be that.  He got them back later on his own terms. 

He stops on another image, then another…examining each carefully like some forensic detective.  Did he not choose the right college?  Was it that girl he never asked out?  Did he not go out for the right sports as a kid?  Why was he friends with others and then again not ever able to make friends with some?  He was nice to animals…maybe he wasn’t mean enough?  His dad wasn’t a corporate type, if he had been would he know more people?  Did he leave one company too soon?  Did he stay with another company too long?  Did he spend too much money?  Maybe he was too much of a tight wad?  He did like a good drink.  Maybe he got drunk too much.  Maybe he didn’t party enough.

Nothing stood out as the culprit of his dismal situation. Why couldn’t he get out of this trap?  The trap was transparent, but strong.  It seemed no matter how hard he tried to free himself it just held on…never giving.  He felt he was stronger.  He felt he was smarter, but the trap never yielded.  Not only did it not yield; it seemed to punish him for fighting.  Like one of those evil flowers that eat bugs.

 ”It’s never too late to change the road you’re on..”  YEA SURE!

 His brain screams out….”THIS SUCKS!….This really and truly sucks, RALPHY…way to go!”

Ralph couldn’t figure it out.  He thought he was doing the right things all along.  He was honest.  He was nice.  He was clean and polite.  He respected others.  He gave others the benefit of the doubt.  He was flexible and assertive.  He was creative and analytical. None of that seemed to amount to a hill of beans.  He was stuck.  Six months of struggling.  Six months of creatively assessing the situation.  Six long months…and he was worse off.  How could that be?  What really pissed him off was the realization of the fact that if he had known it was hopeless; he would have given up along time ago.  But he considered himself a fighter.  Yea, a lot of good that did him.

 “You’re doomed RALHPY…DOOMED!” his head continued to beat him up from inside.

 The sound of a car horn brought him back to the present.  He shakes his head and turns to look where the sound came from.  He was sitting in his car in a parking garage with the car running.  An overly anxious driver was behind him to his left waving his hands, signally Ralph to come on and pull out.  Ralph yields his parking spot and proceeds on.   As he pulls out from under the cover of the garage he looks up at the building he has just left.  So this will be his new home.  This is where he will be spending his days. 

 It was in this building that he received the news.  The news that hit him so hard he was now nauseous.  The news that made him realize he had no control over his life.  The man was pleasant enough and surely didn’t realize the mental blow he was delivering.  Ralph never let on.  He accepted the news with all the enthusiasm and gratitude he knew the man would expect.  God forbid Ralph let on that he was essentially giving up on ever escaping the trap.

 All that was left now was to go home and tell his wife that after six months of looking.  Six months of interviewing.  Six months of networking, emailing and internet surfing.  He was now the newest hire of National Life Financial Services.  He was going to be a stockbroker, again.

**** For years I tried to get out of the financial services industry, especially the retail sales side, but it was impossible.  It seemed that once you were labeled a stockbroker or insurance salesman no business could see you as good for anything else...like being labeled a used car salesman.  This was written after I'd spent several months searching and interviewing for positions outside of the industry to only fail and be forced to go right back into into it.